are you there, god? it's me, maven.

you say you're looking through me.

2006-05-23 / 10:18 p.m.

Self-Portrait Tuesday
I think officially this is called "Self-Portrait Challenge" now, but I like the idea of having a day dedicated to this type of narcissism, I mean self-exploration.

I'm reminded that back around the time I started internet dating, I was taking loads of self-portraits with no earthly (or heavenly) purpose. Someone had given me a jokey little spycam with shitty resolution and no display, and I just snapped away, sometimes daily, sometimes 20 in a row. I liked the crappy, grainy look and the tiny size of the images. The camera had no flash, and I liked the odd light effects I would occasionally get, and the surprising clarity of shots taken in daylight.

I look at them now and think "what was I looking for?" Obviously, this is a future SPT entry. Not today, though.

The theme of the month is Introduce Yourself and Hi, I'm a chronicler. This much is obvious to anyone who follows this blog at all. Thanks to 20+ years of journal-keeping, I have this underlying sense of narrative, which sometimes feels useless to me--as though writing it all down is preventing me from experiencing the actual world (or maybe just that writing complicates the things I experience). I think a lot of artists of various stripes struggle with this dichotomy: maximally enjoying the moment, even as you strive to retain enough to record it later.

So there's a lot going on in this photo, actually, even though its final look was a total accident. First, I am dirty in it. Second, I am (obviously) photographing in a mirror, which is a pretty common technique among SPT participants, I know, but that's because IT LOOKS COOL and it implies many things about the idea of the self-portrait, the control we desire to have over our own images, and the impossibility of seeing ourselves truly. Third, the mirror I am looking into is warped and dirty--it's on a cabinet that is future art project and current floor litter. You can work out what, if anything, all of that means. Fourth, I am wearing soft pants. Fifth, the camera is the most prominent thing, which is as it should be for a picture that purports to introduce a person who chronicles.

Finally, an exercise I yanked from another blog and that I am going to do as quickly as possible:

I AM: kind of overheated and hungry, and there's nothing in this house I want to eat.
I WANT: some food that isn't nut-based. Seriously, I've had shitloads of nuts today.
I WISH: someone else would clean my house. Every room I walk into chides me with its filth and clutter, and I haven't had time to deal with it yet. I did go to the carwash today, though, and that was satisfying.
I HATE: washing and putting away plastic containers. I lied before when I said there wasn't a chore I hate. I don't mind washing dishes. But the plastics--fuuuuck. They seem to multiply in the sink and then in the cabinet and they never nest properly.
I MISS: my grandparents. Any other answer I could give would be something I could likely recapture in some way, but I will never get those beautiful old folks back.
I HEAR: Ida just queued up on iTunes, but I also hear the noisy-ass washer and dryer, which sadly are not cleaning and drying MY laundry.
I WONDER: whether any of my students will show up for their lessons tomorrow.
I REGRET: not travelling more when I was younger and more unencumbered--like, for example, WHY did I not study abroad and WHY did I not go to France/Holland/Sweden/etc when I had friends living over there? On the other hand, my travelling life is far from over, so I don't lose sleep over this.
I AM NOT: totally employed, at least not in the way most people think about employment. This is a choice.
I DANCE: daily, usually just little butt-shakes here and there.
I SING: all the time, but less than you might expect. I really like backing up the Brit when he makes up songs.
I CRY: at the drop of a hat. I am super-sensitive and not really interested in developing a thicker skin, because what else might become thick and dull as a result?
I AM NOT ALWAYS: friendly. 99 percent of the time, seeming unfriendliness on my part is unintentional. It's just that weird inability to say the right thing or be the right way or put people at their ease--even when you know what needs to be said and you just fail to do it. My sister Mol is a genius at these things.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: anything I can, even if I've never made it before and don't really know how to do it.
I WRITE: all the time, mostly self-reflective stuff like this, but sometimes academic and/or arty stuff.
I CONFUSE: sex with love. Naaahhhh, I'm just kidding. I confuse ups and downs with instability, I think, but I should really learn from these much-vaunted chronicles of mine, which reveal essential centeredness every damn time the dust settles.
I NEED: a lucky break, but who doesn't?
I SHOULD: stop saying "should," about anything. But also I should start listening to more PJ Harvey, because every time she comes up in the shuffle I'm like DUDE.
I START: countless projects.
I FINISH: some of them.